Friday Coffee with MAP - April 5, 2024

Hello, and welcome to Friday Coffee with MAP!

This week, we dive in on strategies for minimizing the negative effects of arguments with those you are close to. While this article focuses on disagreements in a romantic dynamic, we think it offers some insights for handling arguments with anyone in your life. It is all too easy to let an initial spark of a small argument ignite into something much bigger, which can exacerbate hurt feelings and an overall sense of alienation. Vitally, this can be avoided by maintaining an intentional focus on keeping arguments confined to a single topic.

Happy reading!

WORK IN PROGRESS: HOW HAPPY COUPLES ARGUE
_{by Derek Thompson for The Atlantic}  

Thompson asserts that happy couples do not live argument-free lives. They are simply more effective at controlling the scope of their disagreements.

Research suggests that many happy couples engage in repetitive conflicts, but are still able to perceive themselves as happy because they focus on constructive communication rather than attempting to control each other's behaviors.

Rather than try to control their partners, happy couples were more likely to focus on controlling themselves. They sat with silence more. They slowed down fights by reflecting before talking. They leaned on I statements (“I feel hurt that you’d say that about my parents”) rather than assumptive ones (“You’ve always just hated my mother”).

One common pitfall of the arguments of unhappy couples is losing control of the scope of disagreements. Thompson calls this “opening new tabs,” as you might on a web browser. For instance, if one partner feels frustrated that the other didn’t do the dishes, don’t bring up a previous fight about a different chore (tab two!), and don’t let that bleed into a greater argument about miscommunication (tab three!). Be intentional about restrict the conversation to soap and plates.

Thompson urges readers to ask themselves three questions in the heat of a conflict:

1. “Are we opening new tabs?” Too many fights happen when one hard conversation branches into several hard conversations.
   

2. “Are we venting or problem-solving?” Too many fights happen when one partner tries to have an emotional conversation, and feels shut down by a barrage of unemotional practical suggestions.
   

3. “What if I tried to control only myself?” Many fights are exacerbated by you need to statements. I need to statements direct inward the urge to control.

By recognizing and controlling what type of conversation is being had, a couple can focus on fixing that issue as quickly and efficiently as possible.
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So tell us: What tactics have you found helpful in managing the scope of disagreements with significant people in your lives, whether they are at home or in the workplace?

We’re looking forward to hearing from you! Have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you,

The MAP Team

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