Friday Coffee with MAP - April 19, 2024

Hello, and welcome to Friday Coffee with MAP!

This week’s piece takes a swing at simplifying one of the most complex and fraught experiences a human can have: being a parent. While there may be no more important relationship in life than that of parent and child, recent research shows that parents may actually have less effect on personalities of their kids than we realize, with one major exception: that warmth and love is strongly tied to a child turning into a happy adult. Let’s dive in.

Happy reading!

The One Big Thing You Can Do For Your Kids
_{by Arthur C. Brooks for The Atlantic}  

Surveys of parents consistently show that the top two desires of parents is that their kids grow up to be a) good people and b) happy people. The concern is: what is the best way for a parent to make this happen?

The classic debate is nature vs. nurture: What has a greater effect? Are children born blank slates, or is personality biological and inherited? Recent studies have shown that it is the latter. These findings would suggest that the overall effect of parenting, good or bad, is drastically overestimated.

However these surveys showed two notable exceptions, in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved in their lives. They were more agreeable when their parents raised them with more structure and goals.

The research gives us three distinct parenting rules to better assure that your child grows up to be both good and happy. These are:

• Even a mess can be a good parent: While some habits will be learned, don’t let a fear of passing along problems or bad habits keep you from having kids. The single greatest thing a parent can do to benefit their child is be present/involved.
  

• When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving: Warmth and affection trump all. Your reaction to your kids worst behavior will define their paths forward, and provide a blueprint for how they eventually parent as well.
  

• Be the person you want your kids to become: Kids are walking BS-detectors. They notice when there is a difference between what you say and what you do. This is simple. If you do not want them to grow up to drink heavily, don’t drink heavily in front of them. If you want them to be warm people, be warm to them.

Remember, you can’t beat yourself up for the unavoidable mistakes that come with being a parent. But you can avoid the mistake of giving them the warmth that will help them grow into happy people.

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So tell us: How did this article resonate with your experience of parenting, or with how you were raised?

We’re looking forward to hearing from you! Have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you,

The MAP Team

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